r_gabrielle

     I'm aiming to keep this as basic as possible. My mind is boggled and my words are sloppy, but here it is...

     I remember being an independent, carefree, determined 16 year old kid. Then, I remember losing it all in a whirlwind of unnecessary emotions. For over two years, I became enveloped in a blinding relationship that caused me to put myself into a shell away from my friends and family. Although I knew everyone longed for the explanations of my sudden betrayal, I felt that I did not owe them anything. At this time, I was still okay with the choices that I made and I continued to spiral into obsession. It was unintentional, and I had no control over my mind anymore. I quickly became nervous, moody, and paranoid. From constantly being told extraneous lies to even being persuaded to end close friendships, I was clueless. To this day, I'm bewildered by my behavior. Never did I think that I'd be the kind of girl that I so harshly mocked for years. I could easily play the self-pity role and just claim that it was puppy love and a lesson well learned, but I've lied to myself for too many years already. I truly don't believe that any form of "love" was ever experienced in those two and half years...atleast not from my perspective. It was a possibly good friendship turned into a game of control. It was always a battle of who could have the most authority. Admitting this makes my stomach turn. I intensely hated the person that I became. The facts were there; The people that were once there to lend an ear were slowly giving up on me, my family became accustomed to never seeing me, and my ability to hold a sophisticated conversation was diminished. Yet, I still stayed around to maintain the happy appearance that we portrayed. Repeat all of this for two and a half years and that basically sums up where I stood until I gave up.

     Fast forwarding a little over two months to today and I'm intrigued by how far I've come with admittance. I can count my friends on few fingers, but my enemies no longer exist. These days I spend a lot of time with Jordan, who has opened my eyes and mind in many ways. Besides being able to have someone listen, we can relate with our somewhat screwed up childhoods. It's hard to find it in myself to care about someone again, but it's inevitable with him. Many, almost all, of my nights are spent with Alison. I still find it funny that we wasted two years of highschool not being as close as we are now, but timing is of essence. We spend our time finishing eachother's sentences, chain smoking, and expressing our teenage ways of trash talking. I like these days, now.

     No more tears to shed, thankfully.